True Evils
by Ryuuko1
Summary: CRACK FIC. AU. What if Vader was plauged by the same intolerable daily evils we all face? May be offensive to some.
1. Telemarketers

Disclaimer: not mine. Damnit.

The phone rang, and Vader did his best to ignore it. He hated phones. With a passion. Because while he could ignore his own breathing because it was a part of him, it was harder to ignore it when he heard it echoed in the mouthpiece of the phone. It was irritating beyond words. How Leia managed to put up with it was beyond him.

The phone continued to ring, and he was just about to call out for Leia to pick up when he remembered she was out. He grumbled darkly and hauled himself to his feet, and walked over to the phone and picked it up.

"Yes?"

"Hello, is this Mr. Skywalker?"

"Maybe."

"Um..what? Do I have the wrong number?"

"You picked the wrong person to call, if that's what you're asking."

Vader heard gasping noises from the other side of the line and was satisfied. "Now, scum, you're going to serve as an example for your co-workers. _NEVER call this number again._" With that, he heard a gurgling sound that signified the expiration of the person on the other end and Vader hung up.

He hoped that the people of whatever organization had called him passed around their knowledge. For he was not tolerant of repeats. But, he would leave a trail of bodies if needed. He liked his privacy, and also wanted to be secure that he was the most Evil thing in the galaxy. He didn't need telemarketers competing with him for that honor.


	2. Spam

Vader liked computers. Computers were fun, and, when put to the right uses, extremely helpful. However, every day, he found more and more nonsense e-mails in his mailbox.

" Shop at random store on us!"

"Want to be mentored by enter name of some ridiculously rich person ?"

"Have a free enter random technological device !"

Vader idly deleted all of the offending material, but got hung up on one.

**PENIS ENLARGEMENT**.

Vader twitched, and his finger hovered above the delete button, unable to press down because of the rage that was slowly building within him.

"Who...the fuck...writes...these...these..._things_!"

Vader quickly e-mailed his peons and set them to the task of finding whatever company was stupid enough to send such junk to one of the most Evil people in the galaxy. They would pay, once discovered.

Vader couldn't decide if he'd merely incapacitate whoever was the mastermind behind such an insidious plot, or if he would kill all of them and send out a mass e-mail as a warning to all other spam companies to not fuck with a Dark Lord of the Sith. Penis enlargement, indeed.

When one of his lackeys returned with an address and names, Vader immediatly set off, taking a cab ,and not paying, to the center of the dasterdly deed. He decided he was in a bad mood when silenced the sugar-coated greeting of the front desk attendant with a mere flicker of the Force. He took the elevator up to the executive suite, all the while planning just what kind of torture he'd put the bastards through.

When he exited the room a few hours later, he was quite proud of his inventiveness. He hadn't thought to use _that_ particular torture before. It appeared being surrounded with high-tech devices that apparently guaranteed a larger dick brought out the more merciless side of him. That was okay, though. He was glad that his skills hadn't gotten rusty.

He had taken pictures of the carnage he had wrought, then posted them to frequented sites, and included a nice, short description of the offense. He hoped people would get the message. If not...well, overpopulation was an issue, and he'd be glad to be a partial solution.

When he returned, Leia was waiting for him, a smirk on her face.

"Well."

"You saw?"

"Yes, I did. You know, you surprise me every day."

Vader's stance changed to communicate amusement. "Shouldn't I be the one saying that?"

Leia laughed and gave her father a one-armed hug as she tried to balance her lightsabre in the other hand.

"What have I said about not swinging around the lightsabre in the house?"

"Aww...I know, I know."

Leia sullenly turned it off, and sighed. She gave her father a lopsided smile and murmured,

"I don't think we'll be getting a lot of spam anymore."

"We better not."


	3. PTA meetings

"Leia, _why_ am I here?"

"PR. Don't worry, that's why I came too. You can just look imposing; I'll do most of the talking."

Vader and Leia were at one of the feeder schools to the Imperial Academy, and were doing the dirty work of convincing parents that they _really_ wanted their children entering into the Empire. Vader found it useless, stupid, tiresome, and irksome, which was why he let Leia do most of the talking, and he simply was silent support at her back. Her silver tongue and his overwhelming presence were usually enough to convince parents.

Of course, there were always the _really_ stupid ones. Like the one before the two Sith now. Who wouldn't stop babbling about her kid, and how she expected special treatment for him since he _was_ from an important galactic household, blah, blah, blah...

Leia could feel Vader's temper fraying, and admitted that she also was finding the lady rather pesky.

"Ma'am, we do our best to ensure that the finest education is given to _everyone_, so that all may serve the Empire to their best."

This seemed to set the woman off on another tirade, and it was only when she began to choke and sputter did Leia notice that Vader had snapped.

Others present also began to notice as well, and it was completely silent when the woman dropped to the floor, quite dead. Conversation started up again, however, after an uneasy minute, and some of the stronger protestors to the Empire's way of teaching were quieted. If there was someone that strong on the side of the Empire, their children might become that strong as well. It was worth the risk, most seemed to feel.

Vader and Leia looked at each other, and Leia couldn't help but chuckle.

"Sometimes scaring them is the best form of persuasion, isn't it?"

"It certainly made me feel better."

Leia curbed a laugh, and merely smiled widely. "I can tell."

The rest of the meeting passed without any more insane parents approaching the two Sith.


	4. Scouts

Leia heard the doorbell ring, and was about to get it when she felt her father get there first. She sighed heavily, and simply continued doing what she had been. She felt a strange ripple of happiness come from her father, and was confused. Rarely was he ever pleased with anyone who came by their house. It was simply something that...never happened. She heard the door close, and poked her head around the corner.

"Who was tha–?"

Vader put the boxes of Girl Scout cookies on the kitchen table, and Leia could feel the pleasure rolling off him in waves.

She gave her father a skeptical look. "Girl Scout cookies?"

"Yes."

Leia hadn't heard her father this excited since...well..._that_ time, but considering it then resulted in a massacre, she had a feeling that this situation was vastly different from the others.

"But...girl scout cookies?"

"You disapprove?"

"No, no! It's just..." Leia groped for a way to explain how she felt. "Odd."

"I like cookies."

"Right. Still, you mercilessly kill most people who come to our door, and yet you let off Girl Scouts? You know they'll never leave us alone now."

"If they bring cookies every time, I don't mind."

Leia chuckled and smiled faintly. "Alright. As long as you share."

"I bought you your own box. So no taking mine."

There was a pause, and then the two laughed, not the evil maniacal 'This is going to be the last thing you ever hear' breed, but just...plain amusement.

Vader walked over to the couch to attempt to relax after a day of killing people, while Leia returned to her original task.


	5. Salesman

The doorbell rang again,

'Force, we're getting popular,'

and Vader answered it, hoping that it might be Girl Scouts again. He opened the door, and instead saw a weedy-looking middle-aged humanoid standing before him. Vader took in the thing's clothing and traveling case, and immediatly understood who this creature was. When it began talking, Vader's suspicions were only concerened.

"No."

"What, sir?"

"No. Go away. Before I kill you."

"What, sir?"

"Too late."

Vader began to slowly crush the scum's windpipe, and watched in pleasure as the trash clutched its throat, eyes popping slightly out of their sockets. It was only when it went limp in his Force hold after Vader felt the soft cartilage give out that Vader let it go. He looked at the body on his doorstep, and sighed. He'd have to call his minions in for body detail. So troublesome.


	6. Infomercials

Vader was flipping through the holo-TV channels, insanely bored. The Emperor had no new missions for him, Leia wasn't in the house, and daytime television sucked. He finally found something that promised to be relatively entertaining, when suddenly, in the middle of the program, when he thought that they were just doing a short commercial break, the commercial turned into something much longer and convoluted.

Vader realized that what he was being plagued with was an infomercial.

"NO!"

He went through the channels again, and the only things he came across were bad soap-operas and infomercials. Thousands and thousands of infomercials. He became more and more pissed, and so marked down every product name and then went and picked up the phone.

He would subject himself to the Phone just to rid the world of infomercial lackeys.

"Hello, Magical Rust and Lime Remover!"

SNAP!

One down. Thousands more to go. It was going to be a good day.

When Leia came back that day, it was to see Vader hang up the phone, his last infomercial kill completed.

"So, dad, what have you been doing all day?"

"Killing people."

"Really? Who?"

"Infomercial lackeys."

Leia stared at him for a long moment, then laughed. "You did the universe a favor. How many?"

"As many as were on holo-television today. I'm going to watch tomorrow and see if I had any effect."

"Can I help tomorrow?"

"Of course."

Leia grinned. It sounded much better than the plans she had tentatively made with the people she considered friends.


	7. Public Transportation

It was always hard for Vader to travel, much less travel incognito. But, for once, he had to. And that meant using public transportation.

The last time he had bothered to use public transportation was that time with Padme when he was taking her to Naboo. As he was buying the tickets to get back and forth, he remembered why he loathed public transport.

So many Force-forsaken people. He hated people. They were just things to be used to get what he wanted, and if they did not do what he wanted them to, they died. Often painfully and horribly. He slipped the piece of paper into the ticket-eating machiene thing and moved forward, only to get stuck. He jostled himself back and forth, trying to disengage himself from the turnstile, and found that he was simply getting more and more jammed. He twitched and with just a flicker of the Force pried open the walls, and managed to get out, leaving the deformed turnstile behind, and quite a few alarmed people. He walked up to the map of which trains went where and found his head spinning.

'How do people ever manage to find their ways ANYWHERE?' he thought. After standing there for long enough, he managed to finally figure out where he should go. Now the matter was getting there. He meandered through the maze of hallways, and, after getting turned around quite a few times and nearly having some of his possessions stolen(those who had tried had died, though not as messily as Vader would have liked), finally walked out onto his platform. He saw the train begin to move and snarled. The train suddenly stilled, lifted slightly off the tracks, alarming those inside. The pause, however, allowed more people onto the train, packing it even more than it had been. Vader managed to squish inside, and his imposing figure created a small circle around him. Whoever this cloaked guy was, they didn't want to bother him. The fact that he was radiating anger also helped. He had memorized the stops, but the map in front of him also was a help. He let his eyes drift over it, tracing all the possible pathways, while also being acutely aware of what was going on around him. He was brought back to the present when they hit their first stop, and there was an influx of even more people. He was pressed up against a wall, and even though this made it nearly impossible to steal any of his belongings, it also made it more difficult to hide who he was. So, he pulled the cloak more firmly around him, and surrounded himself with an even stronger Force suggestion that made people lose interest in him. Vader watched people come in, go out, and all at a breakneck pace.

'Everyone moves so fast,' he thought with some amusement. When they finally reached his station, Vader shoved people out of the way, and barely managed to avoid having his cloak caught in the departing train's doors. He snorted and walked off to start the next part of his trip. He got out of the station without paying, already fed up with the stupid people that seemed to populate the place. He stood in the line waiting for the bus, and sighed. This would be another interesting experience. He hoped it wouldn't be quite so crowded. His stop was sooner than the last one had been. He was quickly losing patience as the bus became later and later, and he knew that if it didn't appear soon, he would simply kill a person for their car and take off. He was not known to be a patient man.

Just as he was about to look around for a car, the bus arrived. He joined the masses that shuffled onto the bus, and gave his payment, before finding a seat with no-one in it. When someone tried to sit with him, they balked at the barely restrained anger and hurried off. This time, Vader was one of the first to get off. He snarled and muttered vehemently as he waited for his contact to arrive. When the scum finally did, Vader listened to his report, congragulated him on a job well done, and then killed him. It made him feel a lot better.

Vader took all of the scum's personal belongings and used them to get him a ride back, this time feeling much better about the public transportation system. He had gotten better at creating just enough fear to keep people away, but not enough to make them inquisitive. It was only when he got home that he finally relaxed. Stupid, stupid people.


	8. Parking Lots

Vader and Leia were going out for a day trip, simply because they both were tired of dealing with being two of the three Ultimate Evils of the Galaxy. Vader had killed some creature who had come too close to their house, and had taken his car. It was a fairly nice car, too. Leia was pleased with his choice. The two debated where to go, and finally decided that going to a mall would be fine. Leia would be able to go shopping for some of the things that she had been wanting, and Vader would be able to melt into the crowd. He had developed the ability to use the Force to make people's eyes slide off and away from him, looking instead to one side or the other, so that they would never know of his passing. Again, he wished that he still had a human appearance, rather than the black monstrosity he had become. Because, while it had a lot of shock and fear-inducing value, it was still slightly cumbersome. Ah, well.

The two Sith arrived at the mall, and their next challenge was to find a parking space. Vader drove up and down the rows, through the parking garage, and circled the mall twice. He was becoming frustrated, and when Darth Vader became frustrated, something usually died. Painfully.

Leia was on the lookout as well, and finally found one.

"Dad!"

Vader looked over to where she was pointing.

"That's a handicapped spot."

"Yeah. So?"

She had a point.

Vader drove over and parked in it, thinking. He needn't explain himself to anyone, and anyway, if he got a ticket he could forward it to the family of the person whose car he had taken. They wouldn't be happy about that, but then again, they'd already be on his case over the slain family member. Darth Vader had little care for things like other people's emotions. The two stepped out of the car to see an old lady with an obvious handicapped tag glaring daggers at them.

Vader's frustration finally bubbled over and the car and granny were sent flying out into traffic, creating a massive traffic jam and killing not just said granny. Vader felt accomplished. There was his evil deed for the day. Good times.

He looked at Leia who was laughing, and the two began to walk into the mall, Vader cloaking himself in the Force.


	9. Public Restrooms

Author: This one is Leia-centric because I can't see Vader going to a public bathroom. Can he even manage to do that? Ewww...that was an awful mental image. Anyway, yes. This is a Leia-centric, since she is still human, and not mostly machine.

There were very things in the world that grossed Leia Skywalker, apprentice to Darth Vader, out. However, this situation was one of them.

It must have been something she had eaten earlier. That was the only explanation.

She meandered around, searching for a bathroom, having left her friends in some disgustingly frilly store.

She had to keep things up for appearances, at least in her school(which was not Empire-run)that she was close to being normal. There were times she couldn't hide it entirely though. Her eyes would still flare yellow every now and then when someone had particularly pissed her off, and people had been known to go missing for a while, only to come back with just a slight nervous twitch whenever they spotted Leia. Either that or they prostrated themselves before her.

Both were good. But both also made some people wary.

So, she had sought out so surround herself with the most disgustingly normal people in the institution, to keep herself hidden from the Emperor's eyes. It wouldn't be good for him to discover that Vader had been training a replacement for him. That would ruin all their carefully laid plans.

But that wasn't the matter at hand. She winced and sped up her search for a public bathroom. When she finally came across one, she wrinkled her nose in distaste. All the disinfectant in the world couldn't get rid of the awful underlying stench of excrement that had probably sunk into the very tiles of the floor. Thankfully, there was no line, so she was free to pick a stall meant for her species.

No toilet paper in that one.

Eww...that's so gross.

No lock on the door.

Leia searched for a little while longer until she finally came across one that flushed, wasn't grody, had a lock, and a supply of toilet paper. Finally able to get some relief, Leia made it as quick as possible, feeling like every moment she stayed in the bathroom risked getting some sort of disease, and while she was immune to quite a few diseases, she didn't want to find out which ones she wasn't immune to. She took care of everything as quickly as possible, and took a deep breath of slightly fresher air when she exited the bathroom.

Leia shivered. This was why she never went to malls ever; the oppressiveness of so many beings sucked, and if they managed to create _that_ kind of environment...well...their extermination was one of the perks of being a Sith.

She walked back to the shop, and rejoined her friends, who seemed to barely have noticed her disappearance (which was good, she had needed to practice that particular skill), seeming no worse for the wear.

Force, she hated public bathrooms. Never again would she subject herself to that.

---

Author(again): So, yes. This is as far as my friends and I have managed to come up with. Any other suggestions of everyday evils that you feel I must subject Leia and/or Vader to? Thanks.


End file.
